The Bad Jokes Thread

Discuss anything!

Postby kozom1234 » Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:19 pm

I got one!

Q: how many gnomes does it take to paint a house?
A: it depends how hard you throw em :roll:
Last edited by kozom1234 on Tue Jun 23, 2009 4:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If i use my mouse to turn how do I click Lifebloom?

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Postby Judai » Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:08 pm

Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Kevin, it's the Health Minister here.


Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!


I've just received word that the condom factory in Sydney has burned to the ground.


It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week'!

PM: 'S....! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!'

Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from Britain?'

PM: 'No chance! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!'

Health Minister: 'What about New Zealand ?'

PM: 'Ok, you call John Key - tell him we need ten million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the Wallabies!'

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.


He finds ten million condoms;
10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured black and white, with a silver fern printed on each one and embossed with

MADE IN NEW ZEALAND
SIZE: Small
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Postby The Great JT » Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:01 pm

Q: Why do they have hot water on hand when a baby is born?
A: So that if it's born dead they can make soup.

It was in a book called "Truly Tasteless Jokes" by Blanche Murphy. Honestly, when I heard that, I wanted to kill that bitch.
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The Punchmaster. Do Not Question Him.
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Postby Lyianne » Tue Jun 23, 2009 11:13 pm

The Great JT wrote:Q: Why do they have hot water on hand when a baby is born?
A: So that if it's born dead they can make soup.

It was in a book called "Truly Tasteless Jokes" by Blanche Murphy. Honestly, when I heard that, I wanted to kill that bitch.


You already posted this a few pages back ^^



Anyway, a Dutch a Belgian and a German are in a plane, when flying over there countries they all decided to throw something.

They fly over Brussels and the belgian throws down an apple, the dutch and the german look at him in a confused way and the belgian replies "What? I just felt like it okay?".

A little later they fly over Berlin and the german decided to throw down a banana, the dutch and the belgian look at the german and he replies "Hey, if the belgian can do it, so can i".

Right before the end of the trip, they fly over Amsterdam, the dutch then decides to throw down a bomb, the german and belgians are shocked and the dutch replies "Hey.. if you two can do it..".

Anyway. Moments later, the belgian arrives in brussels and sees a little girl crying, he walks towards her and asks what happened, "well" , she said "i was playing here, and all of a sudden i got an apple on my head".

At around the same time, the german arrives in Berlin, there he sees a boy crying, he walks towards him and asks what happened, "well", he said "i was riding my bike, and all of a sudden i got hit by a banana".

A few minutes later, the dutchmen walks down amsterdam and sees a boy rolling over the floor from laughter, he asks what happened and the boy replies "well, you see, i farted and then this building behind me exploded".



(God... this turned into a wall of text / lame joke ^^)
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Postby Durids » Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:36 pm

My guild told this to me a few days ago


So a woman is at the grocery store buying stuff. She is at the checkout, when the man behind her said "Your single aren't you?" And she said "Yes I am...how did you know?" And he said "I can tell from your groceries.". After a few minutes she wondered how he could tell she was single from her groceries, and finally asked "How could you tell I was single from my groceries?" And he said

"I couldn't tell from your groceries, your just a fucking ugly ass whore"


yeahhhhh.....>_>
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Postby Chatrata » Wed Jul 01, 2009 9:37 am

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

______________________________________________________

HOW TO START A FIGHT

There I was on my way to work ... Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... And then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car .. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . And that's when the fight started

___________________________________________________________

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs, Gabby, Tippy, Thelma and Louise. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me..

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

__________________________________________________________

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
Several flyer's mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

___________________________________________________________

A thief breaks into a dark house and is just entering a room when he hears a voice.
"Jesus is watching you"
The thief freezes, but after a few minutes he doesn't hear anything else so he carries on.
"Jesus is watching you" says the voice again.
The thief turns on his torch and sees a parrot sitting in a cage.
"Was that you?" asks the thief.
"Yes" replied the parrot.
"What's your name?"
"Moses"
"Moses?" scoffs the thief "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
"I don't know" admitted the parrot "What kind of person names their rottweiler Jesus?"

_____________________________


Oh wait, it this a bad joke thread?
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Postby judgement14 » Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:09 am

i laughed at the dwarf one
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Postby Renkonel » Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:31 am

Q:what do you call it when someone gets moved from lower management to upper management?

A:a promotion
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Postby Dragonas » Tue Jul 28, 2009 6:24 am

Here's one, not exactly clean... NSFW... and just all around not right!

You've been warned!


:twisted:


Little Jenny goes up to her mother at around 7 pm Thursday night....

"Mommy can I take a bath with you?"

"Sure kiddo..."

"Mommy, what's that?" as she points to her crotch.

Mom, not quite knowing what to say, says the first thing that comes to her mind.
"That's mommy's sponge... and it's impolite to ask about it."

Couple of days later, Jenny runs into the kitchen... "MOMMY MOMMY! Can I see your sponge?"

Trying to think quickly, Jenny's mom replies... "Well, um... Mommy lost it!"

Well that doesn't deter Jenny! She runs out of the kitchen, and returns two hours later.

"MOMMY MOMMY!!! I Found your sponge, Mrs. Johnson's cleaning Daddy's face with it!"
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